The past three months have been very interesting from a health and financial perspective. The headaches beginning on August 24 have now disappeared, along with the facial numbness, tingling and weak legs. This process involved many tests (CT scan, MRI, nerve conductivity tests), and much expense and uncertainty. We had a battle with a Doctor with no "bedside manner", and found another one that we liked. He ordered physical therapy on the neck and shoulders to ease tension, but no one ever called to arrange the times. We interviewed for a position with Boys and Girls home of N.C., and declined the position after much inner struggle. South Korea came calling again, with an opportunity to teach English and Pastor an English speaking congregation in Suncheon City. We declined the position after much inner turmoil. Sarah used her veto power on this one. All of this to say that they past several months have been chock full of stuff that has kept me from writing as often.
What does this have to do with walking backwards? I see walking backwards in two distinct ways. First, I see it as the power of memory.It is the draw of nostalgia that summons us back to a different time and place in our journey. Lately, I have thought about some odd things from my past.
As a teenager, I always enjoyed watching the Eastern Conference battles between Dr. J and Larry Bird. I was a huge Dr. J fan and usually Larry always got the best of him. The Eastern conference championship usually came down to these two teams, with the winner facing the Lakers in the NBA finals. In the picture above, the competition turned ugly in a semi brawl between two of the greatest players ever. I think that it is a great shot, as it is an image that shows struggle between black and white,and flash and fundamentals.
A few weeks ago, I found a Playstation game at a super cheap price. Growing up, we had an atari system with many of the classic game cartridges. We played the greats like Asteroids, Centipede, Super Breakout, Space Invaders, Kaboom, Pitfall, and many more. The pic below shows the high level of competition between myself and Douglas. FYI--I am winning!
Not only does walking backwards mean looking back, but it also means seeing things from a different perspective. Imagine for a moment the first steps that you take while walking backwards. Awkwardness and timidity are present as you attempt something that you rarely do. After awhile, you become more comfortable and gain confidence as each step is completed. The most scary thing about walking backward is that the scenery looks very different and most importantly...you cannot see where you are going. The bumps in the road are not in eyesight, they are in hindsight. This means that you are far more likely to bust your butt than to see things coming.
The final evaluation of all the medical procedures was that I was eaten up by stress. The position at Wal-Mart was "a cancer" eating me up from the inside. My issues of perfectionism and control lead to my undoing. I was unable to leave the job at work, and step into the door at home and begin the decompression process. At work, my pride would not allow me to say no, as additional responsibilities were cast upon me. Deep inside, I thought that if I succeeded at this task that I would be thought of more highly, be seen as one who had his job in order, and in some warped way...I would actually be a better person. The same drive that propelled Dr. J and Larry Bird to greatness, had in effect lead to my demise.
I have always been the type that had a job, and have never left one without securing a "better", higher paying situation. However, after the stress diagnosis, Sarah and I came to a difficult conclusion. I am on leave of Absence from Wal-Mart through March as we decide what the next step should be. So, the 18.00 an hour job is now paying me 0.00 per hour. Our expendable income has gone from plenty to zippo, and a major lifestyle change is taking place. We are in effect; walking backwards.
What is God teaching us in this process? OK...here goes:
1-We thought that we were being wise with money. Now we realize how little we can actually live on. We were being very loose with the cash flow.
2-We have learned that God meets our needs. All along our journey, we have said this. I have preached this...but NOW I KNOW THIS. My mom kept pressing and wanted to know the extent of our situation, and I told her. Sarah has conversations with her parents, as well. Other than that we have spoken of our situation to few people. The congregation has joined us in prayer over my health. One Sunday, I was so medicated that I cannot recall the sermon. By the way...I re-preached it the next week. Now that scares me. In this praying for us, they also helped to meet out needs. A check out of the blue for 1000.00, every Sunday coming home from worship with crisp 20.00 bills folded, and discreetly placed in my shirt pocket. The past few weeks have seen checks for 750.00, 500.00, and 500.00. I met a friend of mine for coffee, and I left with a free breakfast and a handshake. Pulling away from that hand, I found 100.00 in mine.Christmas cards coming in with 50.00 bills inside. After we sent out an email Christmas card to save on expenses, a gentleman showed up on our porch with boxes of cards and stamps. Tonight, someone brought over a box full of greens, fruit, vegetables, frozen turkey and fish, and fresh hamburger. You would not believe all the examples of God's provision, but my prayer is that one day you, too, will SEE.
3-Our family life was not as strong as it could have been. Just like with the cash flow, we had gotten a little loose with keeping the main thing the main thing. I am becoming a better husband and father, and that is pretty exciting. I am talking to my mom and sister more, and life seems to be much more enjoyable. I was so preoccupied with "me", that "me" began to take over who I really am.
Walking Backwards is a scary thing, but it is the closest analogy that I can come up with for faith. In faith we keep walking unsteadily, and see things from a different perspective. We do not know what pitfalls lie ahead in the road, however we do know that through grace we can get up again when we crash. If we hold each others hands, it is much easier on this journey...and we can enjoy each uneasy step together.
So...walk backwards, you may be surprised with what you see, remember, and feel.
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