Drowning Man

The first 39 years of my life have been primarily non-eventful. Sure, there were some landmark events that have changed, impacted and scarred me, but for the most part, life was a steady progression. For some reason, I have been blessed (or cursed) with always being successful. That seemed quite odd when I thought of it. However, it is true. Whatever I wanted in life, I usually found it falling at my feet. I had a good work ethic, a sharp mind, and a drive to succeed. I was rowing steadily down the river of life and "life was but a dream."

Well, not really. This 39th year of my life has proven to be one of much upheaval. My marriage is in shambles, my life is in flux, and I wonder each moment if God is listening or busy changing his hearing aid. Identity is a funny thing. People identify me as:
1- The Chaplain, the preacher, the Reverend, the Holy Man, the dude in the black robe.
2- The Clown, the funny guy, the one always good for a laugh, the one that can find humor anytime.
3- The Golden boy, the king, the winner
4- son, brother, husband, daddy, friend, enemy, lover, sinner and saint.

In the middle of this chaos, I am groping in the dark- trying to find the light. My heart has been ripped apart, and I have also been the ripper of hearts myself. Who am I now? I look in the mirror and I appear different. My hair is longer and curly. I have lost 25 pounds. I am beginning to like what I see. The issue is that my soul seems so dark, my heart is so mangled, my brain is so filled with doubt and I am paralyzed with fear. Who am I? The preacher with a midlife crisis? The man that cannot be satisfied? The man that longs for love so badly that he would give or give away anything to get it?

Some things have not changed. I love coffee. I love my son. Ok, maybe two things have not changed.

I feel like I am drowning. In fact, several days I have even wished that I was. U2 wrote and sang a song several years ago--written just for me.

Drowning Man

Take my hand
You know I'll be there
If you can
I'll cross the sky for your love
For I have promised
Oh, to be with you tonight
And for the time that will come

Take my hand
You know I'll be there
If you can
I'll cross the sky for your love
And I understand

These winds and tides
This change of times
Won't drag you away
Hold on, and hold on tightly
Hold on, and don't let go
Of my love

The storms will pass...the storm will pass...
It won't be long now...it won't be long now...
His love will last
His love will last...forever

Take my hand
You know I'll be there
If you can
I'll cross the sky for your love
Give you what I hold dear

Hold on, hold on tightly
Hold on, hold on tightly
Rise up, rise up
With wings like eagles
You run, you run
You run and not grow weary

...Take my hand, take my hand...
Hold on, and hold on tightly
Hold on, hold on tightly
To this love...last forever
To this love...last forever

Take my hand


The next few months will certainly continue the bashing of Richard against the rocks of life. I have never hurt this badly, never longed for so much, never felt so much passion and so much emptiness and the same time. God is doing something. I have no idea what it is. Actually, one thing I do know. He is killing me. The old man is leaving. The new man is coming. It is a process. Holy God, it is a painful process.

I am sinking, my lungs are filling. I reach up, but my hand is still below the surface. Gravity pulls me to the murky ocean floor. God, please hear me. Save me. Reach down and get me...or let me drown alone.